Monday, August 31, 2009
The worst death!
There were three guys standing in line to get into heaven. Just as they were about to enter, St. Peter stops them and tells them they have room for only one more person, so the one who died the worst death may enter.
St. Peter starts off with the first guy and his reply was:
"I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."
St Peter says, "that's pretty bad," and asks the second guy how he died.
The second guy said, "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me and I fell with it 10 flights below, and now I'm here."
St. Peter thinks to himself, 'that's pretty bad..'
The third guy was Bill Clinton! St. Peter surprised said, 'Well Bill, what happened to you?"
Bill says, "Well, you won't believe it. Picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator.. "
St. Peter interrupts, "Welcome to the Kingdom of God!"
St. Peter starts off with the first guy and his reply was:
"I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."
St Peter says, "that's pretty bad," and asks the second guy how he died.
The second guy said, "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me and I fell with it 10 flights below, and now I'm here."
St. Peter thinks to himself, 'that's pretty bad..'
The third guy was Bill Clinton! St. Peter surprised said, 'Well Bill, what happened to you?"
Bill says, "Well, you won't believe it. Picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator.. "
St. Peter interrupts, "Welcome to the Kingdom of God!"
Japanese CRAZY boys VERY FUNNY!
Two funny japanese dudes ! more people have uploaded this video but this is the only one on youtube that works corectly. the sound and video works together!
Where The Hell is Matt's Girlfriend?
Matt's first video made the world cry. This one returns the favor.
Quotes On Marriage
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams.
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." Helen Rowland
"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." Alan Bennett
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." Lewis Grizzard.
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams.
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." Helen Rowland
"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." Alan Bennett
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." Lewis Grizzard.
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.
Poor memory
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
If The Other Party Wins...
Great video I found on youtube. I know its a bit late since Obama already won but its still funny. So just watch it!
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.
The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU -------! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman scooped at his beer until he washed the fly out and then continued drinking.
The Irishman carefully picked the fly out of his drink, then held it out over the beer and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT YOU -------! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
A Son's Bad Dream.
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Uncle Banta is hiding in the closet
Santa gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Banta is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"Santa slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.You rotten bastard, "says the angry santa,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
Mathematical proof that Girls are Evil.
girls=time+money
and everyone knows time=money
and money is the root of all evil
so girls are evil
G = T + M
T = M
M --> E
G = E
and everyone knows time=money
and money is the root of all evil
so girls are evil
G = T + M
T = M
M --> E
G = E
Really hilarious commercial.
Woman calls up husband who is in a bar, but is suppose to be sick at home. watch and see what happens...
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN BABIES
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."
SHAME ON YOU. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib
and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a
little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks
and I've got blue ones."
SHAME ON YOU. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Big Office War (Funny)
Just a big war in the office like the title suggests, clear quality, featuring nerf guns. Funny, with office people, if it were kids, it wouldn't be. Hope u Enjoy!
Who Let the Dogs Out?
Funny dog clips from youtube set to "Who Let the Dogs Out?" from the Baha Men.Hilarious.
4 Sons
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Bad Day at the Office!
We all had one of theses day's. A collection of bad days at the office. Enjoy!!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Guys' Rules
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, ]we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,hunting,fishing or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, ]we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,hunting,fishing or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
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